In regards to your tweet: as its been said on all of those posters on ffffound: keep calm and carry on
I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Randomize
