My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you made out with another girl for some wings
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
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