she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
I think pants incapable of making pants work
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
Randomize
