Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
Your topless pictures make me question reality
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
I fill condoms, not promises.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
I forget how to act sober
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