How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
Randomize
