Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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