I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
On this egg donor form, it asks "In the past 5 years, have you had sex for drugs or money?" It only gives a yes or no option and no place to explain myself. What do I do?
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
Randomize
