i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
