You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
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