Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
Randomize
