So drunk, too bad you don't want this
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
i may or may not be watching the land before time
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
Randomize
