You really coming over, don't trick.
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
Randomize
