They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
Randomize
