I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
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