I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
she told me i tasted like america
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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