I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
Also we saw a clown getting arrested. Rochester is weird.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
