Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
Holy sore nipples Batman
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
Randomize
