all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Come on in and take your pants off
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