I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
