I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
Is it because I queefed?
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
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