I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
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