You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
I need to calm my uterus...
Randomize
