Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
