Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
Randomize
