im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Randomize
