frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Randomize
