he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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