so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
