I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
Bisexual people are plain selfish.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
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