WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
i signed up to donate 10 dollars a month to help the children that are being displaced in columbia because of the drug wars.. i felt obligated
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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