I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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