is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
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Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
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Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
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