My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
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