VAGINAS EVERYWHERE
they're staring at me
We named our party play list daddy issues
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
The air taste purple.
Randomize
