I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
Randomize
