awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
Pregaming class all semester has made this final review session more like my introduction to the topic.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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