oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Randomize
