the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
Drunk is a universal language darling
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
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