genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
On a scale of one to 10 how Risky is it to sleep with a married man (all morals set aside)
Randomize
