Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
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Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
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