Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
Randomize
