a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
why do cheetos always look like penises
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
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