Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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