I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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