I was born with a shot glass in my hand
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
