I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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