areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
