No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
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