I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.