It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Randomize
