It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
