I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Randomize
