my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Randomize
