I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
I have fence marks all over my body
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
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