once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
Randomize
