she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
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