and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
It's total crap. On a side note I watched a porn of 4 guys wrestling in chocolate then messing around with each other. It was like a dream come true
Tornado booty call.. dedication
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
Randomize
